PMS: Post [not] Meant [to] Scare

I want to assure Rebecca (commenter from last post) that in my Float On post I was just feeling a little pms-y, not even morbidly pms-y...mostly anxious and depressed about loosing my hair and side-effects that are yet to come. Did I mention PMS?
Just to be clear: I am not going to die! Well, I will someday just like everyone else but it most certainly won't be because of the stupid little lump I found in my now non-existent boob. My post had nothing to do with mortality because that has never crossed my mind in all this. It's just an early caught, early diagnosed, little bit of breast cancer. C'mon now, that is not going to kill me. Feeling like maybe I floated down the overly dramatic river, sharing my tube with Bill Shatner. It's all good people, all good.

Float On

Chest wall muscle spasms, phantom boob pain, impending hair loss, worries about chemo side effects, a bad night's sleep, and PMS do not bode well for a happy, stress free day. Spent most of this day under the covers trying to distract myself with a book. I've been really positive about everything so far (I think) but I knew this day would come. I've been bouncing up and down on the infallible high dive and just did a triple gainer into the chilly waters of the cancer pool. Consternation ties to my ankle like a mobster's paper weight, dragging me down under the raspy, nebulous water. I won't drown. I just need to work a little harder to keep my head above the dark, shapeless water. Relax. Cry. Breathe. Focus. Know I'm not alone. Love. Breathe again (and again). Float on.

I so got this!

I am so blown away by you (yes, YOU) my dear friend who is reading this blog post. You have made me stronger and more brave with the love and generosity you have shown. I would kiss you smack on the lips if you were standing in front of me right now but you will have to get by with this simple thank you. 

!!!!!!!THANK YOU!!!!!!

I just got back from my post-op appointment and things continue to go well. I'm healing up  good, things look like they are supposed to (mutant) and the final pathology report is what we expected - no new surprises. They tested 4 axillary sentinel lymph nodes and all 4 showed NO cancer. What a relief!! Chemo will be recommended but I will not have to have radiation. Yay - no radiation!!! 

The surgery itself went really well. What a weird thing though. There was lots of waiting and then they would move you to another room, only to wait some more. The most terrifying part was standing in a hallway with my IV hooked up saying goodbye to my husband. I did not want to let go of him! I shed a couple of tears and the nurse hugged me and said, "You can do this" and then led me through a set of double doors, down a hall and into my surgery room. It was very bright. From there, things went very quickly and before I knew it they were saying goodnight to me. Waking up is a hazy memory but the first thing I really remember is being in my hospital room and the nurse telling me that Dave was on his way. Instant relief once I saw him. I had some pain but not bad. I'm still stiff and sore but it gets better everyday. One very unrestful night in the hospital and then I was home!

Lovely clothing, so flattering and soft. haha

IV is in and we are ready to go!

A little drugged but very relieved that it is over and all went well.

The first time I stood and looked in the mirror was quite a shock. I had looked at pictures of women, of course, to try and prepare myself but when it is your own body and it is so raw and fresh....it kind of took my breath away. The brain really is a discounting mechanism though. Every look gets easier, less shocking. I am constantly creating my new normal. It helps that I know this won't be my forever look. Not that there was any question that I would be having reconstructive surgery but I can now tell you 100% I will be having reconstructive surgery! My mutant days will be short lived.

The food has been rolling in and it has been so fantastic! Wow. I didn't know how much we would appreciate it until this all went down but we REALLY, really appreciate it!!! It has been great. Our friends are damn good cooks, too! I've also been lucky enough to visit with some friends and although it kinda wears me out, it also is huge in my healing process. To laugh, smile, cry, love and be loved all at the same time...best medicine ever.

Not only food but cards, flowers and gifts have been rolling in too! I am so blessed!! I have the most thoughtful, generous friends. I am so appreciative - I wish there was some way I could inject my thankfulness into others so they could feel it, not just hear the words.

I'm glad the mastectomy is behind me and we can keep moving forward. That was a huge first step. I meet with my oncologist on Thursday and will hopefully find out what his chemo plan is. I've had many people remark on how brave and strong I have been...I'm actually starting to believe it a bit myself.

Q & A

A few questions that I have been asked a lot lately:

How are you doing?

HA! Um…not ever really sure how to answer this one. Short answer is I’m purposely in denial because otherwise I’m scared shitless. Most days I’m really pretty fine. (again, that denial thing)

Did you get the results of your BRCA?

Yes I did and I do NOT have the cancer gene!! This is really good news.

You’re having a mastectomy…just one or both?

Just one. Lefty is going bye bye.

Are you having reconstructive surgery and if so, when?

Yes, yes I am. By this time next year I will have one new fabulous boobie and the right side will be built to match (lift, plus or minus…whatever it takes). The reconstruction won’t start until a couple of months after I am done with chemo and it is a process. It will be interesting

When does chemo start?

Probably a month or so after surgery. Need to be strong and healthy!

How long will chemo last?

Don’t know exactly yet. Once we get the final pathology from my surgery we will make the chemo plan. Between 3-6 months and probably somewhere in the middle.

Will you lose your hair?

Depends on what drugs they decide to give me during chemo (again final pathology report will dictate this) but most likely, yes.

How is your work handling this?

My work is being AWESOME!!! I am able to take short term disability so I am off work from now until January 2^nd and I still will receive 100% of my salary. If I decide to go back sooner I can and I can also extend my leave past that date if I need to. After the first 60 days I then go down to 70% of my salary. I cannot even begin to express what a huge relief this is. HUGE.

How is Dave doing?

I think he is ok and I think he is following my queue…denial. But you should ask HIM! J

How is Ryder doing?

He is great! He does know what is going on, but just enough. We talk about what will be but it is even hard for me to understand and comprehend what is going to happen…it’s the great unknown! We will deal with it day by day just like we have been. 

How are you sleeping?

Fantastic now that I have Ambien. That shit is the bomb! I’m totally rested.

I wanted to sign up for the meal train but it is full…what do you need?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what I’m (we) going to need. But I promise to ask for help if I need it. A gigantic thank you to Holly for setting up the meal train and for all of you who signed up!!! We will not have to cook a single meal the month of November…you all are amazing!!!

Am I missing anything? Ask away…I really don’t mind talking about it. One really weird thought that came to me the other day – I won’t have cleavage for awhile! Wha?! That just seems so odd. Not that I really have cleavage now but if I want to make cleavage I can. I seriously can’t believe I am only going to have one boob for months. Really…that is just weird!

I feel a bit like a broken record but I cannot thank my friends enough. I have so much gratitude my heart feels like it might explode. I think – no, I know the reason I am doing so well is because of all the love and support I have around me. I love my friends!!!!

Tuesday is the day. As long as I don’t think too long and hard about it (the surgery), I’m ready. 

Fuck that – I’m ready no matter what!!!

Bye bye boobie in 2 weeks

Super quick update:

I still have cancer...but not for long you sadistic little fucker! Mastectomy is scheduled - October 30th. One night in the hospital, released on Halloween. Hmm...built in costume of sorts.

Many of you have expressed interest in helping out with meals - thank you!! This asking for help business is not in my nature but I think I'm going to have to get over that and just say yes please and thank you. I know there are websites out there that help coordinate that whole thing, yes? If someone wanted to spearhead that I would really appreciate it. (that was hard but I'm working on it)

I love my friends!!! I can't say it enough - I have the most unbelievable people in my life and I am so fortunate. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it.

S words: Scared, Strength, Scared, Support, Scared, Fuck

Yesterday I spoke to my dad for the first time since this whole cancer ordeal started. He knew, he had received emails, but it was different talking to him on the phone. Emotional. Later that day I received an email from my aunt that was frankly depressing. She lives in Florida now and her husband is suffering from Alzheimer's. This is not the life I wanted for her. I'm sad for her. And then I wrote back and told her that I have cancer.

I woke at 3:30 this morning, exhausted yet unable to go back to sleep. Feeling emotionally drained and my mind is running a million miles an hour. Make it to work and can barely concentrate. I order two books from Amazon: "Mom and the Polka-Dot Boo-Boo" and "Mom has Cancer!"

I don't want to be at work. I'm scared. I'm tired. I need to take Ryder to the dentist. I go down to his school (it is in the same building I work in) and there he is, so happy to see me and excited to go to the dentist. We talk about his teeth, dormant volcanoes, and how crocodiles have feet but they don't wear shoes because that would be silly. I welcome the break from my own head.

He is amazing at the dentist. Does everything they ask him to do. Curious, not fearful. I watch and smile and mimic his open mouth when he opens really wide. No cavities but the dentist is concerned about his cross-bite and how close his contacts are on his molars. She is curious if his permanent molars are coming up and pushing against his baby teeth so she takes x-rays. I remember too late that dental x-rays have been linked to brain cancer. Cancer! What have I just done? I am back in my head and the wave of guilt is drowning me.

I had promised him a special treat for being so good at the dentist - lunch at Taco Time. He plays with his ninja and bouncy ball between bites of chicken nuggets and mexi-fries. I can barely taste my food or hold it down. I think about how Taco Time was my special treat after the dentist when I was a kid; my mom would always drive me to the Taco Time in Federal Way and then laugh at me when I had sauce running down my chin that I couldn't feel because of the novocain. My mom. I'm feeling scared again. Ugh...this day is not going well. I lean in and give Ry a hug not wanting to let go. He hugs me tight, kisses me and says, "Mommy, I love you. This is a great day."

Decisions Decisions

What a whirlwind! Everything has been happening so fast...which is good...but also, I'm exhausted. All this thinking is making me tired. 

We met with my surgeon, Dr. Hanson. He's good and we liked him. Both Dave and I felt very comfortable with him and his knowledge; he really explained things very well to us.Next we met with my oncologist, Dr. Kaplan. Now I know I am going to be spending some time with this person so if I don't feel an instant love then move on. Well, we loved him! He is going to be great and I am so happy. Both doctors are completely empowering me to make decisions. Fantastic...and hard. My options: Lumpectomy-chemo-radiation or mastectomy-chemo. Lots of soul searching, researching and talking having been going on the last few days! I'm fairly certain I've made up my mind...it was my gut reaction and still seems to be the right choice for me. 

I should back up a little bit and tell you what we know right now:
IDC stage 2 and it is aggressive, Cell grade – 3. I am ER and PR positive (95% and 80%) I do not have the results of my HER2 yet and they are doing BRCA testing to see if I have the "cancer gene". 

This whole time I've been telling all the doctors that there was no history of breast cancer in my family except for a cousin (my paternal grandpa's first cousin - and a wonderful, wonderful woman!). After saying this for the umpteenth time it dawned on me that maybe I should ask (duh...ya think?). Low and behold there is a family history! I find out from my grandma that her mother had breast cancer. Wha?! Both of her grandmas also died of cancer (don't know what kind). So a little bit from both sides of the family now. Glad we are getting that genetic testing done (BRCA).

Meeting again with the surgeon on Thursday to finalize plans and most likely schedule my mastectomy. We won't know the results of the BRCA testing for a couple weeks. If I have the gene...well, I'll talk about that more when I find out. I'm tired, remember? :-)

I did have a fabulous weekend! On Friday we had a thai dinner with dear friends and the most delicious food ever! I pulled the whole "sorry I didn't make anything - I have the cancer" but they still were nice enough to let me eat, drink and be very very merry! Lots of laughs and love. I'm smiling just thinking about it. 

There was more food not pictured. It was all so good!! I know some seriously good cooks. We decided to make it a monthly dinner get together and I already cannot wait for next month. Did I mention there was like 12 kids running around too? My kid actually slept until 8:00 the next day - unheard of! The whole night was so good for my soul and yet another reminder of how incredibly fortunate I am to have such wonderful friends in my life. Love!

On Saturday Ryder and I went to Fall City Farms with our good friends Matt, Holly and Quinton. Super fun! We are having unbelievable Fall weather right now - it was 70 degrees! Beautiful and only one stare inducing melt down from my child.

Saturday night Dave and I got to go out to see some friends play a show at the Columbia City Theater. Again, surrounded by love and support and had a blast. That could be a part of the reason I'm so tired today - we got home pretty late.

Overall feeling really positive and good. During the day I'm able to keep my mind from 'going there' but night is a different story. I'm having trouble sleeping, even with the xanax. I wake up and my heart feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest. I had my first experience with needing to take a xanax during the day. Mini panic attack. I think I'm allowed. Also feeling scattered but I think Dave might argue that that is normal. :-) All I have to do is think about all the amazing people in my life and then I'm ok. I know I keep saying it but I really can't believe how lucky I am!!

One last thing for now. I received the most beautiful necklace from a few very special friends - I love it so much I'm never taking it off. The word on it is "fearless". I'm trying...