Merry Christmas Eve

Feeling better now and excited to celebrate Christmas with my favorite boys. Grateful and blessed.

Halfway done!

I'm super glad to be halfway done with this chemo. Going into this second round with the stomach flu was not ideal but hey, I'm surviving. Feeling pretty down today...weepy, emotional, sad. I really hate all this. Christmas is right around the corner and I feel so unprepared yet I have no energy to do anything about it. I've made no cookies. We haven't even taken Ry to go see Santa yet. Ugh. I'm just frustrated. I'm completely  bald now too. I know I'm just having a down day and it will pass. Chin up, B! You can do this!

Side effects are real...damn.

Today I feel like crap. That Neulasta shot has made my whole body hurt...specifically my jaw, teeth, ears, head, chest, hips, legs, ribs, lower back, shins...yeah pretty much all over. Mouth sores a little bit too. I don't want to be whiny and down but sometimes reality is reality. This too shall pass. FUCK CANCER.

One down - three to go

Wednesday was my first chemo treatment...a day of many firsts. It was a loooong day too.

10:45am arrive at lab for blood withdraw and to have my port accessed. For those of you not in the know, I have what is called a Port-A-Cath. It is an implanted venous access device placed completely under the skin below my collar bone with the catheter of the port sitting inside a large central vein just above my heart. So cyborg. But it does make things easier. I have a special numbing cream that I put on my skin above the port about an hour before and when she stuck the needle in, I hardly felt it. Then then can do blood draws and feed me all the poison medicine through my port. Dummies still drew blood from my arm...oh, you have a port? Sorry.

Next we met with Dr. Kaplan who basically gave me a pep-talk and told me everything was going to be fine...I was going to be fine. Talked about the drugs that I would be getting, drugs I would need to take at home.

Finally down to the treatment center to get all plugged in and ready to go!

This was my view. I was surrounded on all sides with people, just a curtain partition between us. There was a tv on the ceiling (yes on the ceiling - I will have to remember to take a picture of that next time). Lots of nurses working in a team. First I was given Benadryl and a Pepcid orally and some Ativan to call my nerves. Next they hooked me into the big machine!

First they give you a bunch of anti-nausea meds and steroids: Decadron, Emend, Aloxi. And then the big guns start!

Cytoxan and Taxotere.

This all takes a very long time. I think I was there for at least 4 hours. But it wasn't unpleasant and my spirits were up.

I got a free foot massage as well! Some guy named Wesley who is a massage therapist on another floor comes around when he doesn't have any patients and gives free hand and foot massages. It was great but it was way more entertaining to hear him give one to the little old man that was behind a curtain next to me. He was so excited and thankful - it was way too cute!

I came home feeling good and with an appetite. I ate dinner, did normal stuff and went to bed. The next day I had to go in for my Neulasta shot which stimulates the growth of white blood cells. It was a shot in the STOMACH!! Yuk yuk yuk. And it kind of hurt! I think I was still a bit on a steroid high but then totally crashed around noon. I slept from about 1:00-5:00pm and I had the best snuggle buddy ever!

I've been eating little bits, taking my anti-nausea meds and trying to stay ahead of the game. I'm tired. Like really, really, really tired. I don't feel great but I don't feel horrible either. A little bit of an upset tummy and kinda achy. I'll live.

Sorry if this post is a little all over the place - that ativan makes my head a little wonky! And I'm tired and I'm about to go take yet another nap. As always, thank you everybody for your heart felt well wishes and thoughts of encouragement and love!! Gives me such power and strength to have you all behind me. A special thank you to my husband; I love you so much, thank you for taking such good care of me and Ryder. You're my rock.

Round two on December 19th!

Facts of (my) Life

Many of you are wondering about my chemo, I am wondering about chemo side effects. Yes, I am having chemo, followed by five years of hormone therapy. Chemo begins on November 28th! We decided to let me enjoy Thanksgiving food and start a week later. Always a bright side! As far as chemo goes I am getting a very standard breast cancer treatment called TC (Taxotere and Cyclophosphamide), I will have a total of four doses - one every three weeks. I will also be receiving a shot of Neulasta a day after each chemo round (this is to boost your white blood cell count). Everyone is different and reacts to chemo differently...I can only hope for the best. I will for sure lose my hair which I why I recently chopped it off. I love short hair ON OTHER PEOPLE. On me, not so much. Seriously, I'm almost looking forward to being bald after this haircut. (I'm sure I will regret saying that) Small potatoes...hair grows back. A very dear friend recently told me that after she went through this (cancer-chemo-hair loss) that she never has a bad hair day - she's just happy to have hair! From everything I've read I should lose my hair 10-14 days after my first round (probably the week of December 10th for those of you keeping track) and it should start growing back 6-8 weeks after my last round of chemo (last dose slated for January 30th). That's the part that kills me - that it takes so long after you're done with chemo to start growing back! There are many other side effects that I most likely could be plagued with...nails, skin, digestive, the list goes on and on. Like I said, I'm hoping for the best and will deal with whatever comes my way (no other choice).

I also wanted to share my final pathology diagnosis for those of you who may be interested. This is typed word for word from my report.

Left Breast, Simple Mastectomy:
Infiltrating carcinoma with the following features:
Size: 2.2 x 2 x 1.5 cm
Histologic type: Ductal of no special type
Histologic grade: High (3 of 3)
Nottingham grade: 8 of 9
Tubule formation: Poor (3 of 3)
Nuclear grade: High (3 of 3)
Mitotic rate: Intermediate (2 of 3)
Lymph-vascular invasion: present

Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) with the following features:
Histologic type: Cribriform
Nuclear grade: Intermediate
Necrosis: Absent
Calcifications: Absent
Estimated size/extent of DCIS: Low volume DCIS (primarily in the tissue surrounding the infiltrating carcinoma, extending up to 1cm lateral from main mass)

Summary of lymph node status from all ipsilateral parts of this case combined:
Number of nodes: Four total nodes
Positive Nodes: No (0/4) total nodes positive for matastatic carcinoma in this case

Skin: Present, uninvolved
Nipple: Present, involved by DCIS in large ducts in deep nipple
Skeletal muscle: Present, uninvolved

Pathologic stage: pT2, pN0 (i-) (sn) [translation: primary tumor is a grade 2 and no sentinel lymph node metastasis histologically, negative morphological findings for isolated tumor cells)

Estrogen receptor: ER+ 95%
Progesterone receptor: PR + 80%
HER-2/neu: Negative (score of 1+)

So that's that on my big ol' nasty tumor!! It wasn't huge but it was kinda bad-ass; there was cancer in my nipple...in my nipple people! Good riddance, I tell ya.

I'm doing okay post surgery. It feels weird and not normal. Mostly it is unbelievably frustrating for me to not have 100% mobility. I'm doing my recommended stretches and exercise but everything is so tight and then just explodes with muscle spasms. My neck/back/shoulders have been really sore because no matter how hard I try, I just carry myself different. I wear my foob (fake boob) when I go out but that feels weird too - somehow it feels in the way (?) so I usually don't wear it at home. I did get a lovely (and rather large) soft, knitted foob from my friend Nete. I never knew she thought of me as so well endowed but I love it (and her) just the same!!

Me and my knitted foob! Objects in photo are larger than they appear.

Thanksgiving is this week and as much as all this cancer shit sucks (and believe me - it doesn't matter if you have the 'good' cancer, the bad cancer, ANY cancer...it's really fucking horrible and scary), I have so much to be thankful for. I truly, truly am blessed and I have never been more filled with gratitude. 

I just reread the above paragraph and it's like a harum-scarum pendulum! haha! Yep, that's pretty much how my mood is these days.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

PS - Ryder is doing great after his accident at school. He fell and tried to break the fall with his eyebrow...didn't work. After some blood, an exciting ride in an ambulance (complete with sirens) for him, and a delirious and frantic drive for me, it ended with a very brave, hilarious, and sweet 5 year old having 7 stitches. Kudos to Lyn, his preschool director, who rode with him in the ambulance and kept him talking and calm (just ask her about making 64 pumpkin pies) and then stayed at the hospital until Dave and I got there and she knew Ry would be ok. I love her, she is the best! She told me as she left that she was going to go home and cry or throw up, probably both. 

 

Ry when I first got there - still jacked up on fireman and ambulance rides and then Ry totally doped up. Look at that face!

PMS: Post [not] Meant [to] Scare

I want to assure Rebecca (commenter from last post) that in my Float On post I was just feeling a little pms-y, not even morbidly pms-y...mostly anxious and depressed about loosing my hair and side-effects that are yet to come. Did I mention PMS?
Just to be clear: I am not going to die! Well, I will someday just like everyone else but it most certainly won't be because of the stupid little lump I found in my now non-existent boob. My post had nothing to do with mortality because that has never crossed my mind in all this. It's just an early caught, early diagnosed, little bit of breast cancer. C'mon now, that is not going to kill me. Feeling like maybe I floated down the overly dramatic river, sharing my tube with Bill Shatner. It's all good people, all good.

Float On

Chest wall muscle spasms, phantom boob pain, impending hair loss, worries about chemo side effects, a bad night's sleep, and PMS do not bode well for a happy, stress free day. Spent most of this day under the covers trying to distract myself with a book. I've been really positive about everything so far (I think) but I knew this day would come. I've been bouncing up and down on the infallible high dive and just did a triple gainer into the chilly waters of the cancer pool. Consternation ties to my ankle like a mobster's paper weight, dragging me down under the raspy, nebulous water. I won't drown. I just need to work a little harder to keep my head above the dark, shapeless water. Relax. Cry. Breathe. Focus. Know I'm not alone. Love. Breathe again (and again). Float on.

I so got this!

I am so blown away by you (yes, YOU) my dear friend who is reading this blog post. You have made me stronger and more brave with the love and generosity you have shown. I would kiss you smack on the lips if you were standing in front of me right now but you will have to get by with this simple thank you. 

!!!!!!!THANK YOU!!!!!!

I just got back from my post-op appointment and things continue to go well. I'm healing up  good, things look like they are supposed to (mutant) and the final pathology report is what we expected - no new surprises. They tested 4 axillary sentinel lymph nodes and all 4 showed NO cancer. What a relief!! Chemo will be recommended but I will not have to have radiation. Yay - no radiation!!! 

The surgery itself went really well. What a weird thing though. There was lots of waiting and then they would move you to another room, only to wait some more. The most terrifying part was standing in a hallway with my IV hooked up saying goodbye to my husband. I did not want to let go of him! I shed a couple of tears and the nurse hugged me and said, "You can do this" and then led me through a set of double doors, down a hall and into my surgery room. It was very bright. From there, things went very quickly and before I knew it they were saying goodnight to me. Waking up is a hazy memory but the first thing I really remember is being in my hospital room and the nurse telling me that Dave was on his way. Instant relief once I saw him. I had some pain but not bad. I'm still stiff and sore but it gets better everyday. One very unrestful night in the hospital and then I was home!

Lovely clothing, so flattering and soft. haha

IV is in and we are ready to go!

A little drugged but very relieved that it is over and all went well.

The first time I stood and looked in the mirror was quite a shock. I had looked at pictures of women, of course, to try and prepare myself but when it is your own body and it is so raw and fresh....it kind of took my breath away. The brain really is a discounting mechanism though. Every look gets easier, less shocking. I am constantly creating my new normal. It helps that I know this won't be my forever look. Not that there was any question that I would be having reconstructive surgery but I can now tell you 100% I will be having reconstructive surgery! My mutant days will be short lived.

The food has been rolling in and it has been so fantastic! Wow. I didn't know how much we would appreciate it until this all went down but we REALLY, really appreciate it!!! It has been great. Our friends are damn good cooks, too! I've also been lucky enough to visit with some friends and although it kinda wears me out, it also is huge in my healing process. To laugh, smile, cry, love and be loved all at the same time...best medicine ever.

Not only food but cards, flowers and gifts have been rolling in too! I am so blessed!! I have the most thoughtful, generous friends. I am so appreciative - I wish there was some way I could inject my thankfulness into others so they could feel it, not just hear the words.

I'm glad the mastectomy is behind me and we can keep moving forward. That was a huge first step. I meet with my oncologist on Thursday and will hopefully find out what his chemo plan is. I've had many people remark on how brave and strong I have been...I'm actually starting to believe it a bit myself.

Q & A

A few questions that I have been asked a lot lately:

How are you doing?

HA! Um…not ever really sure how to answer this one. Short answer is I’m purposely in denial because otherwise I’m scared shitless. Most days I’m really pretty fine. (again, that denial thing)

Did you get the results of your BRCA?

Yes I did and I do NOT have the cancer gene!! This is really good news.

You’re having a mastectomy…just one or both?

Just one. Lefty is going bye bye.

Are you having reconstructive surgery and if so, when?

Yes, yes I am. By this time next year I will have one new fabulous boobie and the right side will be built to match (lift, plus or minus…whatever it takes). The reconstruction won’t start until a couple of months after I am done with chemo and it is a process. It will be interesting

When does chemo start?

Probably a month or so after surgery. Need to be strong and healthy!

How long will chemo last?

Don’t know exactly yet. Once we get the final pathology from my surgery we will make the chemo plan. Between 3-6 months and probably somewhere in the middle.

Will you lose your hair?

Depends on what drugs they decide to give me during chemo (again final pathology report will dictate this) but most likely, yes.

How is your work handling this?

My work is being AWESOME!!! I am able to take short term disability so I am off work from now until January 2^nd and I still will receive 100% of my salary. If I decide to go back sooner I can and I can also extend my leave past that date if I need to. After the first 60 days I then go down to 70% of my salary. I cannot even begin to express what a huge relief this is. HUGE.

How is Dave doing?

I think he is ok and I think he is following my queue…denial. But you should ask HIM! J

How is Ryder doing?

He is great! He does know what is going on, but just enough. We talk about what will be but it is even hard for me to understand and comprehend what is going to happen…it’s the great unknown! We will deal with it day by day just like we have been. 

How are you sleeping?

Fantastic now that I have Ambien. That shit is the bomb! I’m totally rested.

I wanted to sign up for the meal train but it is full…what do you need?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what I’m (we) going to need. But I promise to ask for help if I need it. A gigantic thank you to Holly for setting up the meal train and for all of you who signed up!!! We will not have to cook a single meal the month of November…you all are amazing!!!

Am I missing anything? Ask away…I really don’t mind talking about it. One really weird thought that came to me the other day – I won’t have cleavage for awhile! Wha?! That just seems so odd. Not that I really have cleavage now but if I want to make cleavage I can. I seriously can’t believe I am only going to have one boob for months. Really…that is just weird!

I feel a bit like a broken record but I cannot thank my friends enough. I have so much gratitude my heart feels like it might explode. I think – no, I know the reason I am doing so well is because of all the love and support I have around me. I love my friends!!!!

Tuesday is the day. As long as I don’t think too long and hard about it (the surgery), I’m ready. 

Fuck that – I’m ready no matter what!!!

Bye bye boobie in 2 weeks

Super quick update:

I still have cancer...but not for long you sadistic little fucker! Mastectomy is scheduled - October 30th. One night in the hospital, released on Halloween. Hmm...built in costume of sorts.

Many of you have expressed interest in helping out with meals - thank you!! This asking for help business is not in my nature but I think I'm going to have to get over that and just say yes please and thank you. I know there are websites out there that help coordinate that whole thing, yes? If someone wanted to spearhead that I would really appreciate it. (that was hard but I'm working on it)

I love my friends!!! I can't say it enough - I have the most unbelievable people in my life and I am so fortunate. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it.

S words: Scared, Strength, Scared, Support, Scared, Fuck

Yesterday I spoke to my dad for the first time since this whole cancer ordeal started. He knew, he had received emails, but it was different talking to him on the phone. Emotional. Later that day I received an email from my aunt that was frankly depressing. She lives in Florida now and her husband is suffering from Alzheimer's. This is not the life I wanted for her. I'm sad for her. And then I wrote back and told her that I have cancer.

I woke at 3:30 this morning, exhausted yet unable to go back to sleep. Feeling emotionally drained and my mind is running a million miles an hour. Make it to work and can barely concentrate. I order two books from Amazon: "Mom and the Polka-Dot Boo-Boo" and "Mom has Cancer!"

I don't want to be at work. I'm scared. I'm tired. I need to take Ryder to the dentist. I go down to his school (it is in the same building I work in) and there he is, so happy to see me and excited to go to the dentist. We talk about his teeth, dormant volcanoes, and how crocodiles have feet but they don't wear shoes because that would be silly. I welcome the break from my own head.

He is amazing at the dentist. Does everything they ask him to do. Curious, not fearful. I watch and smile and mimic his open mouth when he opens really wide. No cavities but the dentist is concerned about his cross-bite and how close his contacts are on his molars. She is curious if his permanent molars are coming up and pushing against his baby teeth so she takes x-rays. I remember too late that dental x-rays have been linked to brain cancer. Cancer! What have I just done? I am back in my head and the wave of guilt is drowning me.

I had promised him a special treat for being so good at the dentist - lunch at Taco Time. He plays with his ninja and bouncy ball between bites of chicken nuggets and mexi-fries. I can barely taste my food or hold it down. I think about how Taco Time was my special treat after the dentist when I was a kid; my mom would always drive me to the Taco Time in Federal Way and then laugh at me when I had sauce running down my chin that I couldn't feel because of the novocain. My mom. I'm feeling scared again. Ugh...this day is not going well. I lean in and give Ry a hug not wanting to let go. He hugs me tight, kisses me and says, "Mommy, I love you. This is a great day."

Decisions Decisions

What a whirlwind! Everything has been happening so fast...which is good...but also, I'm exhausted. All this thinking is making me tired. 

We met with my surgeon, Dr. Hanson. He's good and we liked him. Both Dave and I felt very comfortable with him and his knowledge; he really explained things very well to us.Next we met with my oncologist, Dr. Kaplan. Now I know I am going to be spending some time with this person so if I don't feel an instant love then move on. Well, we loved him! He is going to be great and I am so happy. Both doctors are completely empowering me to make decisions. Fantastic...and hard. My options: Lumpectomy-chemo-radiation or mastectomy-chemo. Lots of soul searching, researching and talking having been going on the last few days! I'm fairly certain I've made up my mind...it was my gut reaction and still seems to be the right choice for me. 

I should back up a little bit and tell you what we know right now:
IDC stage 2 and it is aggressive, Cell grade – 3. I am ER and PR positive (95% and 80%) I do not have the results of my HER2 yet and they are doing BRCA testing to see if I have the "cancer gene". 

This whole time I've been telling all the doctors that there was no history of breast cancer in my family except for a cousin (my paternal grandpa's first cousin - and a wonderful, wonderful woman!). After saying this for the umpteenth time it dawned on me that maybe I should ask (duh...ya think?). Low and behold there is a family history! I find out from my grandma that her mother had breast cancer. Wha?! Both of her grandmas also died of cancer (don't know what kind). So a little bit from both sides of the family now. Glad we are getting that genetic testing done (BRCA).

Meeting again with the surgeon on Thursday to finalize plans and most likely schedule my mastectomy. We won't know the results of the BRCA testing for a couple weeks. If I have the gene...well, I'll talk about that more when I find out. I'm tired, remember? :-)

I did have a fabulous weekend! On Friday we had a thai dinner with dear friends and the most delicious food ever! I pulled the whole "sorry I didn't make anything - I have the cancer" but they still were nice enough to let me eat, drink and be very very merry! Lots of laughs and love. I'm smiling just thinking about it. 

There was more food not pictured. It was all so good!! I know some seriously good cooks. We decided to make it a monthly dinner get together and I already cannot wait for next month. Did I mention there was like 12 kids running around too? My kid actually slept until 8:00 the next day - unheard of! The whole night was so good for my soul and yet another reminder of how incredibly fortunate I am to have such wonderful friends in my life. Love!

On Saturday Ryder and I went to Fall City Farms with our good friends Matt, Holly and Quinton. Super fun! We are having unbelievable Fall weather right now - it was 70 degrees! Beautiful and only one stare inducing melt down from my child.

Saturday night Dave and I got to go out to see some friends play a show at the Columbia City Theater. Again, surrounded by love and support and had a blast. That could be a part of the reason I'm so tired today - we got home pretty late.

Overall feeling really positive and good. During the day I'm able to keep my mind from 'going there' but night is a different story. I'm having trouble sleeping, even with the xanax. I wake up and my heart feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest. I had my first experience with needing to take a xanax during the day. Mini panic attack. I think I'm allowed. Also feeling scattered but I think Dave might argue that that is normal. :-) All I have to do is think about all the amazing people in my life and then I'm ok. I know I keep saying it but I really can't believe how lucky I am!!

One last thing for now. I received the most beautiful necklace from a few very special friends - I love it so much I'm never taking it off. The word on it is "fearless". I'm trying...

Holy Shit. And I mean HOLY SHIT!!!

In 24 hours I have amassed an ARMY of kick-ass, beautiful, tough, fierce, funny bitches (best girlfriends ever) and men (the kind you'd want your daughter to marry) who have volunteered to help me fight and win this battle. Who are these people?! Besides the whole what-a-bummer-I-have-fucking-cancer thing...I am feeling pretty special. To be honest, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with support and love. Overwhelmed in a fantastic way but still overwhelmed. I'll be reading emails and messages and think, "Wow. Who is this girl they are talking about? She sounds pretty cool...I think I want to be friends with her"...and then I have to pinch myself and try to absorb the fact that they are talking about me. Makes me tear.

I'm happy that I made a very public announcement even though it can be a little awkward. People don't really know what to say. I don't even know what to say! I have gotten a lot of offers to connect to a friend of a friend who is going through the same thing or just went through it and I have already reached out to my own friends who have gone through this.What the fuck! Why do we all know so many people with cancer? Makes me angry.

I've been a good girl and haven't googled. Much. A little here and there and then I start to panic a bit. Why freak out until I know exactly what I'm freaking out about. The one thing I haven't been able to stop myself from doing is worrying about every little ache or pain. Is that the cancer? Has it spread? Um...brain, can you just shut the fuck up already!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Three more sleeps until we know more. 

One of my favorite appeals so far comes from my friend Gabe: "Kick that carcinoma in the dick!" 
And then one to make you cry comes from my amazing friend Sarah. Holy shit is she talented!! If you're not already, do yourself a favor and start reading her blog. Bookmark it.

on a sunny saturday morning at the end of september

You know that Gap Band song, "You Dropped a Bomb on Me"? Yep, that just happened. A cancer bomb to be exact. 

I don't know much of anything right now. This is all happening very fast and also seems to drag on and on. On Wednesday, 9/19, I noticed that I had a dent or big dimple on my breast - felt it and there was a lump. Got into my doctor that day who referred me over for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. That was performed on Friday, 9/21. Results of that were that I needed a biopsy asap so that was performed on Tuesday, 9/25 and I received the positive for breast cancer results on 9/27/12.

Like I said, I don't know much yet. I don't know what stage. I don't know where it is, if it has spread beyond the lump. I know that it is a ductal carcinoma and invasive (I think that's what they said) and that the biopsy results showed a high grade abnormality. Next step is doing an MRI and meeting with a surgeon, which I have scheduled for Wednesday, 10/3. I will also need to meet with an oncologist but that will come after the surgeon and MRI.

October is breast cancer awareness month. Awareness people - not diagnosis! But I've got news for you, cancer, I am going to KICK YOUR ASS. You have been warned. Do you see all these people behind me? They are helping me kick your ass! So really you do not stand a chance. Buh Bye!